Food has never been a normal thing for me. It has always been something highly desired whilst simultaneously feared for what it could potentially do, set a person up to live out an unfortunate fate. Dare I say it??? Make one fat! As fate would have it however I must’ve been guzzling something wicked in my mothers uterus because inevitably I was the fat child. And let me tell you, I won’t be the the first to say life is not easy but being fat has definitely exacerbated life’s difficulties.
Thirty years on I have morphed into a fat woman to which I am slowly learning to accept this about myself. It came about by chance when I made the most important discovery of my life. I was on another diet, having finally achieved ‘skinny’ status for about point four seconds of my life and I had just stuffed my face with one of many pastries to come. Feeling the dreaded guilt for daring to eat such blasphemy it then hit me. Being fat was not the reason for my failure! Ironic huh? Fat was not the worst thing to happen to me, because I was still as miserable skinny as I was many kilos higher!
Now this is far from being the ideal revelation, because I quickly began to eat my weight back up, not to the heights it once was but not something that can be summarily dismissed. Misery certainly luurrves chocolate only this time there was a little light at the end of this dark chocolate tunnel. This ‘revelation’ gave me an open to be more kind to myself. I stopped blaming the fat, started to fall in love with myself for the first time ever to finally reach this next fork on that journey. Food….something no longer to be feared but to be treated as something to satiate, nourish and most importantly be normal!
In truth I have never attained the right balance switching from one extreme of binging on junk food to near starvation. The few times I ever feel normal is maybe two days, two damn days in a whole month where food is of no consequence, not even a twitter in my brain and it is just a normal part of living. It happens close to when I would be due for my period, I take contraception so rarely get it but know roughly when it is due. If only I could capture that essence of not caring and impart it to my food loving soul, but I have 30+ years of food issues to burn out of my brain.
What is eating normal?
I have read many books on this topic, researched online and know more than your average Joe Blow. I know what is normal for me may not be normal for others, but most give solid advice and all tell me I should stop dieting. Dieting for me has been hardwired since birth and just thinking about it puts me in partial rebellion before it has even began. Learning to eat good food and even the bad without any guilt seems a dream right now. At this point I can only hope, but I aim to make slow changes over time. You are welcome to follow me on this journey.